humans only use 10% of their treadmills
You Might Also Like
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Dates are weird like ok I guess I’ll dress up for my romantic interview
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.