Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*

My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

4yo: can you get this open for me?

Me: oomph this is kinda tough

4yo: use your claws

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Psychology says:

People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?

Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?

PIGEON KID: I need to go bad

PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.

I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”

“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.

Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*

“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato