Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.

People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*

I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..

I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?

So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.

If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific

Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.

Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago

when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁