Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Humans pretend to be smart but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we’re suddenly gonna have x-ray vision
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Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Me: yeah, you like that?
Him: mmhmm yeah
Me: *stopping abruptly & pointing at his mood ring* then why is that white?
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”