Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it