Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

Me: I’d kill for a donut

Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

6: are snakes just neck?

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*

Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.

Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick

a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.

My mind: Age is just a number!

My lower back: Lolololololol

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.