Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Me when I’m ovulating
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Actually cracking up @ this
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.