Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.


If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?


[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced


LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.


I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.


[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.


Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.


Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.


Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first