@sannewman

Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

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@armyVet1972

Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.

@rustygunter

If okcupid is all that great, then why would you need a 3 or 6 month subscription ?

@suntzufuntzu

[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced

@IamEveryDayPpl

LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.

@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@lizmiele

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

@bornmiserable

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

@FuckabillyRex

Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn’t respond that she’s been thinking it for a while.

@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@LostFelicia

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first