Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her