Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.