Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
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“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
but that was my emotional support daylight
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone