Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
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What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”