Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.

There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs

why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me

We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.

3: I hit you in the head with the shovel

me: um, no thank you

3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]

“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park

What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.

Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?

Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.

Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down

You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders

I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.

Liquor Store Parking

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?