Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”

“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions

bert: i want a divorce

wife: are u…

bert: don’t

wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?

Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.

Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.

MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?

Passenger Announcement: For all those going to the yodelling competition in Geneva, please go to Gate 37 and form an orderly orderly orderly queue.

There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.

What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”

When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”

[Me at job interview]

And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery

,,,and send

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee