Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
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The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
You can be anyone you want on twitter, so I’m a little surprised so many guys chose “creepy weird dude.”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.