Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

584.

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

How to draw a duck

It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.

Think you have only one chin? Let your kid take a picture of you from their POV and you will find you are sorely mistaken.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

[mocking jay part 2]

jay: come on guys please stop