Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
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I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A Hallmark movie where their hands meet inside the turkey
My 9yo: the best teacher name at my school is Ms. Huggies.
Turns out her name is Ms. Hughes, but I’m gonna let that one ride for a while.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.