Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.

My Darling Petunia,

It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.

My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Clients after you give them your rates

Maybe the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life is give the Democratic party a fake phone number every time i donate

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all

kids: oh no

wife: oh no

parents: oh no

me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

Something Saturday.

Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit

Me: ok

*nun screams*

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.