Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
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ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
sin harder.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.