Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.

It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.

All set.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

[garden of Eden]

Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled

Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake

When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.

Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”

Cellmate : “Them what happened “??

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?

don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed

“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.