Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.

Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.

Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.

Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!

I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”

Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.

Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano

*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’

~The monster under my bed

Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.

I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional network

LinkedIn Park

Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.

Friend: Including you?

Me: Actually, scratch that idea.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

“I’m tired.”

– Beat Cop

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?

I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish

Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!