humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
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Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.