@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

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@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@girl_a_whirl

With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.

@bobsin

Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.

@JerpsBerps

Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*

@andlikelaura

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

@professorkiosk

Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.

@ChicksRule

The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective

@Glorificus917

When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.