@themiltron

humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

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@Tmoney68

*the fog lifts*

*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*

*the fog does cardio*

*the fog is fit af*

@RobbyActually

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

@slytherinstef

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

@Manda_like_wine

She often thinks about what life may have been outside the asylum, had the cashier refrained from putting her change on top of the receipt.

@EtobicokeErnie

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance of not going to work tomorrow. Tequila gives you a 1 in 3 chance.

@Birdhumms

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

@UncleDuke1969

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

@junejuly12

Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.

@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

@yerpalmildsauce

Here it is, folks:

“Do imaginary octopi have …

(wait for it)

(wait for it)

PRETENDACLES?”