humans: we’re gonna eat you
chicken: shit, i guess i better lay some eggs to further the species
humans: cool, we’ll eat those too

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Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.


With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.


Death is not the end.

You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.


Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*

Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*


[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind


Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.


The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective


When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they’re talking about a psychiatrist.