Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Anesthesiologists are doctors who don’t like having to talk to people.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
I need someone to wring out my brain like a dishrag
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
