Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
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People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder