Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
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Crooks rob Chase™ Bank.
Cops chase bank robbers.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning