Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

When Batman suddenly arrives and it’s just the shadow of him with glowing white eyes? That’s what I look like to the English muffins when I walk into the kitchen in the morning

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.

I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?

Me-Oh yes.

[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

Such a beautiful day I chose to walk instead of the bus. Job interview can start without me.

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

termites walking up to the ark: two please

noah: any dietary restrictions?

termite: yeah we only eat woo—

noah:

termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool

noah:

termites:

noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.