Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”