Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

The Seven Deadly Sins:

1. Envy

2. Gluttony

3. Greed

4. Lust

5. Pride

6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’

7. Wrath

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.

No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.

When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

him: I think we should see other people

me: is that on hulu or netflix

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude

*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*

Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!

Ariel: But I like him.

Sebastian: What would your father say!?!

Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

Damn he played himself

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.