Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Only a mother’s love …
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
never deleting this app.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?