Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
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You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
My wife just randomly put on a Gregorian Monks CD and started flicking through a magazine, which made me feel a bit uneasy. I never leaf anything to chants.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My friend asked if I had any spare cash to pay for his straw.
Unfortunately l hadn’t got the bale money
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”