Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
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When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
doing your own taxes
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If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
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Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
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Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record