Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
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Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.