Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
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Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.
Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.