Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
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Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.