Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Pessimist: it’s half empty

Optimist: it’s half full

Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?

I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded

Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?

something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*

*listening to a Dateline podcast

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Shout out to my kids.

BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.

Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

How wrong was this guy?

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.