Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Mission: Impossible
sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Rude much 😂😂😂
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
How times have changed.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.