Humor: the only thing I like dry.
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
i was baptized in a car wash
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me