Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: *weaving through traffic*

PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?

Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!

friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?

me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!

My cat: Meow

Yes I know we have all the DVDs…

I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face

me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy

Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.

Retired bakers have nothing to prove.

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.

Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.

My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.