HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
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Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Ron is short for Aaronald
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant