Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
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Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Give a baker flours on your first date.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.