*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
marvel comics have peaked
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.