Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.

Difficult, not impossible

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion

You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.

But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…

But that’s how Julius Caesar.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia

HER: yes

ME: did the dog put you up to this

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.

FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge

ME: ok

[later]

WAITER: [to date] Ready to-

ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.

I’d describe him as a little standoffish.

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

When does CPR become necrophilia?

THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭

Be vigilant

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*

It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying

If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.