*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My circle of trust is a meatball