*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
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You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
True statement👍😏😁
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Lmfaoooooo
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*