Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

me: do that thing i like

him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into

Take caution while searching the annals of history.

The anals of history provide very different results.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

God: you’re a dove.

Dove: ok.

God: do you know what that means?

Dove: white pigeon?

God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.

Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎

guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood

6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*

Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!

*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*

Wife: OH MY GOD

*slams brakes*

Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture

I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..

That’s adulthood….

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

I always check on the non existent cake in the oven when the dryer timer goes off.

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night

bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life