Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*

FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.

ME: There’s been quarantines?

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.

Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?

WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.

You know after that whole Humpty Dumpty thing, anytime something broke in the kingdom, haters would say, “Why don’t we let the horses take a look?”

Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.

The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.

When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

I remember being a kid and telling my mom I thought it was weird that her and Santa had the same handwriting. But now as an adult I just think it’s weird that she still gets him to write the gift tags

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.

He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.

But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up

[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*

him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?

still him: oh dude, that’s my bong

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it