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@ericsshadow: HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
@arcadeseals: me: [googling] lose weight
google: eat healthy and exercise
me: [googling again] lose weight NO salad NO running
@TheBoydP: I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
@charliedelta7: One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."
@Breadery: When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
@TheToddWilliams: [Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day