HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
You Might Also Like
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
lol
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!