Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
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excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Good morning, Twitter 😊
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.