Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Succinctly put.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.