Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
we’re gonna need another temp
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training