Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:
Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
murder on the timeline
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
“You’d better run, egg!”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.