Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
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I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.