Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:

Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”

Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*

“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing

2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too

Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.