Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
He just like my cat fr
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?