bout dat hot dog summer
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.