Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.