@NoogsCorner

Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

I just watched one kid call his twin brother ugly and now I’m just waiting for him to realize what that means

@LoveNLunchmeat

People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.

@deLusticious

Do not drink and drive..

because there are people out there who text and drive…

and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!

@brianbowman73

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

@mommajessiec

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@mommajessiec

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

@notsoevilrick

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.