Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
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At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
feetloaf
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Me when my alarm goes off
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…