Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
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Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.