hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
This hospital has everything
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
