hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Howl 😭
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
awkward
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
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90Me: Nailed it.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
