Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers

8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening

Me: you will inherit everything I own

My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”

me: we should tell our son he’s adopted

wife: but he isn’t

me: I know but I’m bored

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011*

*adds “Historian” to bio*

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?

Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.

LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN

I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.

Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.