Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
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Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
me: hi do you take walk-ins?
groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.