Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes

Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

welp

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing

My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

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Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is

scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask

fred: really no idea who it is

scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–

fred: just no way to know

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.

I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.

My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.

I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.

Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.