Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I try
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.
He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:
— where they were all rural cattle farmers.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this