Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
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roses are red
i fall when i skate
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan
The symmetry is uncanny.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
next question.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Simple enough.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…