Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.

So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”

*slaps knee*

*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*

Someone stole my car.

People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.

REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.

If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.

[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

My wife is playing hard to get.

Rid of.

Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”

Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”

Darth Vader: >:(

If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.