Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.

Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷‍♀️

Orcas are not our friends

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

When I have sex with someone I high Five them.

*slaps hands together.

gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?

[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.

Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Our new dryer has a “Less Dry” setting for when I want to put on damp clothes I guess.

My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.

kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?

Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!