LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
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My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Finished stitching this today 😇
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.