Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
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🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
The struggle is real
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
congratulations to them
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
same bro
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*