Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon

The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.

[reading of my fathers will]

Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-

Me: heh, bequeath

Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’

Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?

Lawyer: no, he just knew

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

I have a black belt in leather

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me: *brings home new puppy*

My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac

Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.

Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there

Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.

The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much

“I wish every day was Friday.”

The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.

No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?