HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Even death won鈥檛 stop my mom from criticizing me
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
oh shit
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that鈥檚 when i realized that maybe religion wasn鈥檛 the right thing for me.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Paw Patrol, but it鈥檚 just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
It鈥檚 adorable how breakfast assumes we鈥檙e all able to fast.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I like to think I鈥檓 in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 馃様
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn鈥檛 responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren鈥檛 red anymore so that鈥檚 good news.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 馃憣
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
