HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
