Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
japanese corn
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?