Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
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Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Day 2 of my diet
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”