Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.

Hero horse inspires millions

funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]

Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?

Wife: what?

Me, louder: I’m going to the bank

Wife: what?

Me: I’M LEAVING YOU

Wife: ok

When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”

hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore

[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty

ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.

GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.

Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge

There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

2024 was a year of tremendous personal growth. I’m up four pants sizes since January.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.

Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?

Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.