Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.

Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?

For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.

My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough

Bakery worker: Can I get you something?

Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?

{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

Dr: do you know why you gained weight?

*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*

Me: no, better run some tests

My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.

I thought there was something wrong with her.

Turns out she’s being R2-D2.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me